


He's Gone

by ready_to_kick_some_ass



Series: Season 6 Fics [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 11:39:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19061902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ready_to_kick_some_ass/pseuds/ready_to_kick_some_ass
Summary: Jemma visits Deke to tell him about Fitz's death.





	He's Gone

“Nana!”

The moment the door opens, Jemma has an armful of Deke. He hugs her firmly. It feels good and she hugs him back smiling into the crook of his neck. She's glad she found him. It took a little while. “Hello Deke. I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

Deke backs away, beaming at her. “Oh, no! No, not at all. I was just watching a movie about penguins. Did you know that penguins can dance?!”

Jemma has to chuckle despite the deep sadness holding her heart in firm clutches. He’s so sweet … “Are you watching Happy Feet?”

„Yes! It’s amazing, wish I could have a pet penguin, bet Fitz would approve … by the way, where is grumpy Gramps?“ Deke asks, glancing over Jemma’s shoulder. “Didn’t you two say you won’t leave each other’s side again?”

_I’m never leaving your side again …_

A wave of pain rushes through Jemma and her legs wobble, giving way underneath her. She tumbles forward and Deke catches her with a surprised gasp. “Woah. Woah! Nana, what’s wrong?”

Jemma exhales a sob and holds on to Deke’s arm. This is a nightmare. It has to be … She doesn’t want to do this. She doesn’t want this to be real. She wants to visit her grandson to talk about good times, eat cake and drink tea. She doesn’t want to tell him that his grandfather, who he has just met, is … is _gone_.

“Come in …” Deke tells her in his worried voice and pulls her inside his little flat. He leads her through a hallway into the living room and guides her to sit in a plushy acidic yellow armchair in form of a lemon.  

“Thank you …” Jemma murmurs, sinking into the cushions. She swallows and lays her hand on her belly, which clenches painfully. She closes her eyes for a moment and feels the exhaustion creeping into every cell of her body and mind. She’s so tired … Tired of this life. Of this _reality_.

Deke crouches in front of Jemma and stares at her, his eyes filled with worry and confusion. “Nana … what’s wrong? Is … is he hurt? Kidnapped? Or … did he, uh, did he have another psychic split?”

Jemma shakes her head. She wishes she could say yes to one of these scenarios. But she is living in the only reality she has and there is only one truth. A truth that shatters her heart all over again. “No. No, it is not … he is …” She has to stop. Her throat feels tight and dry. The words don’t seem to want to get out. She raises a trembling hand and touches the ring she’s carrying around her neck. Her eyes well up and she’s distantly surprised, that she can even still produce tears after all the hours of crying.

Deke’s eyes follow her movement and they go wide. His glance twitches back and forth between the ring around Jemma’s finger and the one around her neck and he gulps. She can see the moment he understands. Can see the worry in his eyes turning into numb disbelief.  “No,” he breathes, voice sounding so very small. “No …”

Jemma sniffs and reaches out to touch Deke’s cheek. He blinks and lays his hand on hers, before he pulls her into a hug again. She leans her head against his chest and closes her eyes. Deke smells sweet. His aftershave mingles with the faint scent of lemonade. He makes a little desperate noise in the back of his throat. and Jemma’s heart hurts for Deke too. He has found a new family just to lose a part of it right after.

They stay like this for a long moment, the air between and around them filled with silent grief.

Eventually, Deke backs away, to reach for a tissue. He blows his nose and Jemma sees that his eyes are swimming in tears just as her own. “He’s gone,” he states bluntly.

Jemma nods. “Yes. And there are things we need to do,” she tells him, running her fingers over the soft fabric of the lemon armchair. Her insides twist at the thought what kind of things she’s talking about. She has washed Fitz’s body, because she couldn’t let him be touched by anyone else. He didn’t like to be touched by strangers. She washed the dust and blood off his face. She removed the destroyed shirt and put on a new one. She worked almost mechanically. It was her duty and she fulfilled it. But … but when she thinks that she will have to organize his funeral, that she will have to pick a coffin and flowers and – and that she still has to need to tell his _mum_ … she can’t imagine doing this. It hurts too much to think about it. But it needs to be done. And she feels horrible for it for some reason, but she hopes Deke is going to help.

Deke nods absently, his eyes staring into the void. “I can’t believe he’s gone. I mean, I have … I have just met him, but it felt like we were meant to be a family. I know he hasn’t been very fond of me, but I also know that he had to struggle with a lot of things. Sometimes, I heard him talking to himself. He said awful things. I think he hated himself in these moments. I wish I could have helped him. I wish … I hoped we could start to get along when all that apocalypse crap was over and I didn't blink out of existence. I don’t want him to be gone,” he says, sounding both shocked and angry. 

Jemma knows this kind of anger. It came after the numbness. She has gone straight to the lab and shattered a few things because of this anger. Maybe she would have destroyed everything, if May hadn't found her, took a glass tube out of her hands and hold her until Jemma stopped shaking and screaming and started crying.

“How … how did it happen?” Deke asks carefully.

Jemma swallows. She doesn't want to live through the pain again. But he needs to know. So she recalls the words Mack said to her in his broken voice. “I haven’t been with him. Mack and May were. They … they went into an abandoned unstable building to help Robin and Polly.” She smiles despite her deep sadness. “That’s Fitz. Deciding to run into the danger just to help people. A pile of rubble fell on him and … and he was impaled by a piece of roof. There was nothing they could do. Mack said it happened very fast. I don’t know if Fitz was ... was aware of what happened. Shock can … it can numb the mind and ...” She stops, unable to continue.

Deke looks like he is going to be sick. He bends over and clutches at his stomach, grimacing.

“Deke,” Jemma says worriedly, reaching out for him.

He shakes his head, raising a hand. “I’m … it’s alright, I just … I don’t know where to put the pain right now. But Nana,” he looks up at her with wide eyes. “Are you … are you _ok_?”

Jemma swallows. A lot of people have asked this question. And her answer had always been yes. Because she was used to being strong. Strong was what she had to be. But everyone has a breaking point. And she thinks, today she reached hers a few times already.

“No. No, I’m not ok at all. This pain … it will never stop. Life goes on like it always does, but I won’t go on. Fitz once told me; he wouldn’t be able to live in a world without me. Now I have to live without him, and honestly? I don’t know how to do that. But I have to, right? I have to.” She wipes her eyes and shakes her head. “Sometimes I think I can hear his voice beside me, and I look up, but of course he isn’t there. And then I realize, he’s everywhere. I feel him when I lay in bed, when I open the wardrobe, when I take a shower … everywhere.”

Deke nods. “In the future … I thought my mother was with me the whole time too,” he says quietly. “I heard her voice and I saw her face, when I … when I was in trouble or when I was sad … I guess the people who die never leave us. Not really.”

Jemma chews on her lip and restlessly runs her fingers over the ring around her neck. He’s right. Fitz will never leave her. But … but he’s gone, and she doesn’t know how to deal with the pain. She might need therapy. She might need to leave Shield. There are a lot of things she might need to do. But she doesn’t want to do them. Not without Fitz. God. It hurts …

Deke gets up and disappears into the kitchen. He comes back with a glass of water and hands it to her.

“Thanks,” Jemma says quietly and sips at the cool liquid. It soothes her sore throat. 

“I, uh, I have some leftovers,” Deke tells her. “Pizza and curry.” He laughs and it sounds hollow. “Sometimes I can’t decide what to try first, so I end up ordering too much. But of course I always eat it, I don’t throw it away. I can’t believe there are people who throw masses of delicious food away.” He stops, realizing he’s rambling, and looks down, nervously playing with his hands.  

“Thank you, Deke. But I’m not hungry,” Jemma tells him. She doesn’t know when she has eaten the last time. May has forced some soup into her, but when was that? She doesn’t remember. She knows she will have to get back to functioning soon. Her body demands it. But right now, the pain overshadows everything.

Deke nods. He sits on the lemon armchair opposite of Jemma’s, and sighs. “What about Coulson? Is he …” He doesn’t finish the sentence.

Jemma shakes her head. “He went to Tahiti with May. They decided to spend the time he has left together.”

“Oh. That’s good, right? From what I gathered; they were in love for ages but didn’t really get to live it.”

“Yes. I’m sure the time is well spent.”

They fall silent for a moment. Outside, it starts to get dark. The violet of the sunset changes into a starry sapphire blue. Jemma feels like every bit of energy left her body. Her eyes feel heavy and she has to blink to keep them open.

Deke notices. “You can stay the night,” he says, sounding almost hopeful. “I can sleep on the couch.”

Jemma smiles at him weakly, feeling grateful. “Thank you, Deke.” For once, the thought of sleeping in a different bed than her own, isn’t so unpleasant. Maybe, she can sleep a few hours more here, without a memory of Fitz lingering in every corner.

Deke gets up and lays a hand on Jemma’s shoulder. He looks shattered and sad, but he still tries his best to make his voice sound sure and encouraging. “You’re going to get through this,” he tells her. “I’m there, if you need anything at all. We’re … we’re family, right? Family is supposed to protect and help each other.”

Jemma nods and lays her hand on his, squeezing softly. “Yes, Deke. We’re family. I love you.”

He inhales shakily and his eyes are wet again. He smiles and breathes, “I love you too, Nana.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native speaker and always grateful for being corrected! I'm constantly trying to improve my English, so please don't hesitate to tell me about mistakes. <3
> 
> Visit me on tumblr: [ready-to-kick-some-ass](https://ready-to-kick-some-ass.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
